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I don’t have cable. I watch a lot of TV on Hulu, instead. Hulu has commercials to help pay the costs for not making me pay for cable — and I APPRECIATE THAT. I appreciate it so much that I have no problem watching the commercials! I am a happy consumer.

This commercial, though, leaves me bemused.

The version I found on Youtube has an opening the Hulu version does not. The Hulu version opens with three women sitting around a small table in a featureless white space. Each has a coffee cup and a small box of tissue. Heaven? Some afterlife? A dream?

The woman on the left says that looks are important. The center woman says she is looking for a chancellor or champion or something. The eldest just wants to be comfortable. It is clear they are talking about the tissue, but in terms that deliberately leave you wondering if they are just using tissue as a metaphor to talk about something else. They have definitely spent more time talking about tissue than anyone else, ever, in just those few seconds. None of them bring up what I value most about tissue, which is keeping snot off my hands. It’s as if someone asked three people, never before exposed to the concept of tissue, with no idea of its uses, to say nice things about it.

None of them touch the tissue. They could be talking about cars or cats.

A heretofore unseen fourth woman rushes in and yells, what are we talking about! Let’s dish! The women at the table admit they were just talking in vague and general terms about tissue. The fourth woman, crestfallen, says she was hoping they were talking about men. She clearly has no interest whatsoever in the tissue, which is odd, because she is in a commercial for one. Perhaps she didn’t get the direction given to the other women to appear interested in. She, despondent, skulks away.

Where did she come from? Did the other women know she was eavesdropping? Is she a metaphor for injecting earthly cares into the timeless bliss of heaven? I don’t know! Maybe these women gather in this spotless space each day to talk about men, but this day, they chose to discuss tissues instead.

Now comes the part that completely mystifies me.

The camera switches to the fourth lady, who, addressing the camera, says that if you enjoy dishing as much as she does, vote for her to be your mom. Then she holds an expression for awhile as she waits for the camera to turn away.

A title comes up directing someone to the “getmommed” web site.

WHAT THE HELL does that have to do with tissue????? I HAVE NO IDEA. I can’t figure this thing out AT ALL.

Why would I want to vote for a woman (who is either my age or younger) to be my mom? It’s the matter of factness of all this I don’t get. It’s like a standard tissue commercial suddenly veers off on a wild and surreal tangent. The fourth woman (Jessica) clearly has decided not to feign interest in tissue, and decides on a whim to try to get people to want her to be their mother.

I don’t know. I just felt I had to say something about it.

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